Best Funny Relationship Jokes

The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”

I’m going through a divorce at the moment and my wife told me she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0…
That’s nice of her, paying off my debts.

I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid peenis today. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife while in bed.

Husband: “Honey I think your mum tried to have sex with me last night! ”
Wife: “That’s impossible, she’s on holiday!”
Husband: “Oh ok, well maybe you should wear more makeup then!”

Q. How do you know when your wife has died?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.