Best Funny General Jokes

Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly sh*t his pants.

When you have a fat friend at school see-saws no longer exist, only catapults.

Just been sacked from my job as a wedding planner. I thought releasing birds would be romantic but apparently ostriches are dangerous animals.

Teacher: Name three Kings of England who greatly transformed the country and made it a better place to live.

Student: Drin-king, smo-king and fu-king.

One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is this normal?

Can’t believe how nice some people are. Got a compliment today about my driving. Someone left a message on my wind-shield that said ‘parking fine’.