Best Funny General Jokes

My Doctor has advised me to start running. I’m not ill or anything, I’ve just been sleeping with his wife.

Bad things to write in a birthday card.

“Life is pain, misery, suffering and a slow march to death. Happy 5th birthday Katie.”

Q. Why is life like toilet paper?
A. Because you’re either on a roll or some a$$hole is crapping on you.

Some people say alcohol is dangerous but I disagree. The people on the Titanic didn’t die from drinking too much alcohol, they died from drinking too much water.

I manage to bring a different girl home every weekend. It’s getting quite crowded in my basement.

Fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and replaced with a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.